If I wasn’t scientifically educated, I might infer that the majority of Croatian men over 50 were several months pregnant. Not that I am being sexist here: the women aren’t all that hot either, though clearly quite hard, if their ability to lie in the sun all day on stone or concrete is anything to go on.

Many of them have a sub-contralto timbre, obviously helped by their tobacco habit. Their aesthetic palate is harder to define. They generally favour two-piece bathing suits, with quite broad-fronted bottom halves, though a more revealing thong rear. Thus I saw one woman flippering away on a float today, her arse cheeks rising and falling like twin golden porpoises in the water.

Men of all ages and sizes like what we might call Speedos, but often look like they have popped out with their briefs on, sometimes popping out more than strictly intended. Shaven heads are also big here, often with granddad, dad and small son all sporting a Number 1 that would stand them in good stead were war to recommence. I am not sure what the recruiting sergeant would make of some of the tattoos, which are also widespread and of dubious design quality.

There is currently a music festival in Split – Splitski 55 – highlights of which are currently playing on out television, making us quite glad we did not make a special effort to be there. With the combination of dodgy outfits, poppified local music, and girls disporting themselves in a way reminiscent of Jim’ll Fix It, you’ll begin to understand where the Eurovision Song Contest comes from. Even the hostess looks like Heidi in the adult movie version.

Which reminds me of a sailor’s observation: the boats in the Volosko harbour are left to grind together in away which would not be sustainable in an English mooring. With our changeable, stormy weather, boats left tethered like this would soon end up as matchsticks, showing how comparatively benign this Adriatic seaboard is, virtually tideless.

 

 

This is the last despatch from Croatia, and thus from Eastern Europe. Linda ask what the difference is between East Europe and Eastern Europe. The former is a mere geographical description, the latter is geo-political, freighted with the mid-20th century history of a continent divided by ideology and the Iron Curtain designated by (among others) Goebbels and Churchill, and built by fear. Yugoslavia may have been Communism-lite, but this was still on the other side, the one we targeted at the BBC World Service. Croatia may have been the first state to secede from that federation, but it is still recovering from a degree of arrested development, if faster than many of its neighbours. This area in particular, with its Austro-Hungarian past and proximity to Italy, seems in every way closer to a West European sensibility – unlike most of Eastern Europe cats outnumber dogs here – and we shall be sorry to leave it.